Anxiety.
What a jam-packed word.
“I’m anxious.”
A phrase often used in our house.
It’s used to describe a plethora of feelings - fear, nervous excitement, anticipation, embarrassment, loneliness - the list could go on.
What exactly is anxiety? It's that feeling of worry and tension that you have when something is outside of your control. There’s social anxiety, there’s chronic anxiety, there’s anxiety disorders like PTSD, and OCD - goodness, it’s everywhere and intertwined into almost everything. It’s exhausting and it’s frustrating because it sucks the energy, the life and the joy out of days that could be lived lighter.
Those lighter days.
I have fairly neurotic tendencies. I like things a certain way - I like to eat certain foods at certain times, I like to wake up, draw the curtains, make the bed and let the dog out (in that order), I like to exercise a particular amount and get adequate sleep and when I don’t fulfil these things, my axis is off. Not in a way that generally inhibits me from doing the rest of the things that I need to do, but rather I don’t feel that I’m running at peak efficiency. I have created these 'rules for life' to help manage the anxiety that can come from chaos and confusion. Some people enjoy chaos and actually thrive in it. I am not one of those people and that’s okay. From early on, I learned that I function better as a human being when I have these rules. These rules for life highlight the areas of my life that are most important to me and manifest intentionality to my days that enables me to honour the areas that deserve the best of me:
My Faith.
My Marriage.
My Wellness.
My Community.
We all create these rules so if you went a little wide-eyed and thought "she's crazy!", you are right there with me! If you have the need to form simple habits like brushing your teeth, having a morning coffee, or winding down in the evening with a sitcom to remain grounded, you too are a little crazy. These are all habits built into our life that we use to manage ourselves. Whether intentionally built or not, they always reflect what we value.
When the axis is off and I lean too far forward or too far back, I can feel the wheels of anxiety begin to turn and it can result in a domino effect where if too many fall, the chaos can create storms of anxiety within.
In the wise words of Ken Shigematsu in his book God in my Everything, "the rules were created for me, I was not created for these rules."
And for those in the back who tend to lean towards legalism, I will say that again:
The rules were created for me, I was not created for these rules.
While I use the term 'rule', I don’t mean rule in a hard, concrete sense. Rather, in a flexible, honouring way. Circumstances inevitably change and our rules and intentionalities must also change, lest we become legalistic and miss the point. If you are endeavouring in a spiritual fast but an unexpected guest arrives from out-of-town and wishes to bless you with a meal, take the meal.
These guides don’t always keep the anxiety at bay though. Sometimes, fear, anger, confusion, chaos and shame rear their heads and the storm of anxiety begins to whirl.
Panic.
Tears.
Hurtful words.
Dark thoughts.
Depression.
Hopelessness.
These episodes are not long-lasting but they can be devastating. The aftermath often requires days of repair; shame for not being able to manage myself well enough, fear that this will happen again, embarrassment for not having it all together, and a desperate feeling to hide this part of myself from the world.
I know that I am not alone though.
Have you read the Psalms? It’s everything I believe we need more of. They’re raw, powerful, honest, full of emotion and most importantly, rooted. While the range of emotion is wide and honest, the author remains rooted in the truth of who he is - a King - and who God is - good and worthy of all praise.
In this wide range of emotion, anxiety is one of them. The author does not shy away from lamenting, questioning, praising and revelling in truth.
They’re raw, powerful, honest, full of emotion and most importantly, rooted.
“When I said “my foot is slipping” your love, O Lord supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul”
Psalm 94: 18-19
“My soul is in deep anguish. How long, Lord, how long?”
Psalm 6:3
"Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish."
Psalm 25: 16-17
“Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth. Worship the Lord with gladness; come before him with joyful songs”
Psalm 100: 1
There is anguish, there is anxiety, there is loneliness, there is hope.
And there is a reason that we have been gifted this raw honesty in the whole canon of Scripture. Because those feelings are a part of our experience; they come with endeavouring to love ourselves, those in our lives and the Great Divine; they remind us of our nature as Beings and for our great need to live in solid, rooted community with others and experience acceptance. If you are on the journey to live in love, truth and companionship with those around you, you are most certainly going to feel those things despite how many rules are in place to buffer those feelings and keep the chaos at bay. We are messy and the people we love are messy.
We love to come together in celebration at weddings, birthdays and anniversaries - we love to celebrate life with its newness. We also come together to mourn the loss of a loved one. Our community suffered an immense loss recently. In that, I have yet to see a more unified community than a community in grief.
It seems to be in our nature to rally around these markers in life. Thank goodness for that!
But what about the in-between, daily grind? Do we come together, then, in the rawness of the anxiety that we feel with finances, family crisis, work/school stress, parenting or what-have-you? Or, do we live in a polished reality where it’s easier to share about our anxiety in a well-worded meme than it is to put in the effort of building intentionality and community in our life where our anxieties and fears are accepted? Building this intentional, life-giving community may mean pruning certain areas to allow for growth or being honest with yourself and in turn, allowing others to join you in your walk. God knows I need to. In the meantime, there is power and freedom in knowing you are not alone, you are understood, and your experience - albeit challenging - is not new. King David was brave enough to express his anger, sorrow, grief, fear, loneliness, anxiety, hope and trust all at once and we certainly do not see him as weak. Neither then should we see ourselves as weak when we find the courage to express our inner feelings for higher, greater, deeper purposes.
Cheers to building appropriate authenticity and vulnerability to help keep the demons at bay.